Adventures in Passive Aggression

21 Jul

I’m a note leaver. I don’t like making eye contact and I can be meaner in writing than I am capable of verbally. Just kidding! I’m mean all the time. I left my college suite mate a note that read, “You’re only a slut if you feel like a slut. And if everyone says you are.” She cried, and I still don’t feel bad.

I’ve recently embarked on a passive aggressive note exchange with my upstairs neighbor who, while not bad looking, has a contraband dog that is stinking up the joint. I can’t be having that. So, after much Febreezing on my part, I leave the following missive:


Dear Neighbor,

I get that you’re a dog person. I prefer cats myself. I’m a cat person. Here’s the thing, though – and I hate to say this, since you seem very nice – but your dog smells crazy bad. The front and back foyers reek of rotten dog. I’ve Febreezed, lit candles, etc. If you could…I don’t know, actually. Just make it go away? Please? I know that we would all appreciate it.

He responded with:

Dear Neighbor,

I don’t own a dog. I’m guessing this building stinks because

1. It’s crazy humid

2. The landlords never clean it.

3. It’s old.

And I’m a cat person. I have a polydactyl cat named Wednesday. She’s awesome.

Nice try, sir. Try to distract me with a cute story about your cat with the cute name. Luckily, I have this superpower I like to call VISION and I’ve fucking SEEN your dog. I’ve seen him. With you. And what are the landlords going to clean in the foyer? The mailboxes? The banister? I know those two things really TRAP odors. I call shenanigans.

And so I respond:

Okay, look. I don’t want to fight about this. But I’ve seen a dog both enter and leave this building with you. Is he your cousin? An old college roommate?

The seldom-cleaned foyer rots because of a dog – I won’t even attribute said dog to you – but I think if we all agree to remain cat people and not let old college roommates spend the weekend, that would be nice. Even if  the “roommate” belongs to your girlfriend. For instance.

I don’t imagine that this will end well. But then, does anything?

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