Archive | July, 2011

My Father, the Hero

18 Jul

I know what you think this is:

You think, oh sure. Why don’t you get a mustache tattooed on your finger. You probably like deer, too, don’t you?

No, I don’t like deer, thank you very much. And I would never get a finger tattoo, they last six months tops and what am I, a resident of Philadelphia? Please. That is my impression of my father. My father, who looks roughly like this:

I’d post an actual picture but the poor man has suffered enough. I mean, I’m his daughter.

ANYWAY, you can see how the whole finger / mustache thing came about. The man has a mustache and, as far as I can tell, he’s had it since he was about five years old. He shaved it off once and my older sister wouldn’t talk to him til it grew back. So for about 24 hours. For years, my sisters and I have been doing (loving) impressions of Dad via the finger mustache. And it has since been co-opted by hipster grifters who are ironic but don’t know the definition of irony. Fuck you guys, and go apologize to your mothers. I’ll wait.

Moved by the Spirit

15 Jul

Got home with a face full of beer last night and I had to tell this story. Then I made some chocolate milk obviously. P.S. the best part is Cash in the background near the end.

Just So You Know

14 Jul

From now on, I’m telling everyone my first husband died in a fire started by a popcorn machine. So tragic.

Text from My Little Sister

13 Jul

I just caught [redacted] trying to get Quincy to hold a drink umbrella while wearing a shawl. He was playing Island of Dr. Moreau with Quincy and Preston.* Logically, Quincy was the doctor and Preston was the beast. Just so you know. Also, I think I smell like dishwater.

 

*Quincy and Preston are cats. Obviously.

In Which I Am Hilarious

13 Jul

So I was going through some very old e-mails today and I found one that I sent to my (now) ex-husband:

Hey handsome. I just wanted to let you know that I am here in Madrid
safely. It is a huge, busy city full of graffiti. Pretty awesome. I
am a little intimidated, but trying to mask it. I just paid 7 dollars
for a cup of coffee, too. Tried not to freak. Failed. Also had to
have Coca Light out of mini bar, as I was on the brink of death. Cold/
sinus infection/SARS almost gone. Camel toe count: 1, but a very
solid 1. Will keep track for you. Love you and miss you desperately
already.

Love,

A. Bug

Snort.

Things You Should Know About Me

13 Jul

When I was 12, I wrote a very harrowing and dramatic short story about a redheaded young woman named Chloe who fell in love with an African man named Bala. This short story was largely inspired by Christopher Pike’s “Spellbound.”

Actual Text Message Exchange With My Little Sister

13 Jul

3:14 AM (sister): FMOSS 3*, get it?
3:14 AM (moi): Yes!! Fmoss 3*! Ohh, Kevin.
3:15 AM (sister): YES!!!!!

*For those of you who are unschooled and less nerdy than the sisters Long, this is a Daria reference. From the episode where they take a field trip to an epic shopping center and the football player Kevin attempts to remember their parking location by making a word out of “f” “moss” and “3.” Fmoss 3. Of course. Ahem.

 

Just So You Know

12 Jul

When you say, ” I got you a lean pocket,” all I hear is, “Hey, you’re fat.”

Real talk.