Archive | April, 2012

Show Yourself!

30 Apr

Dear sweet reader from Russia, please tell me who you are! We can be PENPALS! Unless we have dated before and you are viewing from a Russian prison, in which case, LET’S GET MARRIED.

Thanks, Though

26 Apr

On Sunday night, a man spent 10 minutes telling me how awful his ex-girlfriend’s vagina was (is?) and in roughly the same breathe said he’d like to “see me around.”

 I’d rather walk naked on my knees through a field of broken glass than spend time with a man who may publicly Yelp my crotch



Waiting On You

18 Apr

As a parlor trick, I like to ferret out fellow former Pentecostal kids at dinner parties and bars. It’s only happened twice – so I suppose it’s not such of a much as parlor tricks go – but both times were special. I met one man who had also had hands laid on him when he had scarlet fever. He saw his mother crawling on the ceiling. That did not happen to me.

He told me that he could never give up on God because his father had believed so deeply in Christ. I told him that I could not believe in God because Christ had so profoundly failed my father. So it goes.

Texts From My Little Sister

17 Apr

Me: The Indian lady just totally called me out about my butter chicken consumption!

Little Sister: She doesn’t get to have an opinion!

Me: EXACTLY. And since they charge for RICE, they can SHUT UP ABOUT THE CHICKEN.

Little Sister: Charging for RICE?

Me: I knooooooow. I KNOW.

Little Sister: The only thing I’ll pay crazy extra for is dipping sauce. A girl loves to dip.

Me: Well, that’s different.

Nights Like These

15 Apr

Things I Do When I Drink In Detroit


* Demand to know the middle names of every man that happens to make eye contact with me.

* Read my to-do list aloud to a crust punk who asked to bum a cigarette.

*Pour beer on the girl in front of me who kept hitting me during her MDMA seizure.

*Get high-fives from the crowd around me after pouring my beer on that girl.

*Cackle when the bartender calls me “Titty City.” (Note to self: add this to resume)

*Insist on wearing sunglasses during the cab ride to the hotel. .

*Explain to the rent-a-cop at the Courtyard Marriott that our cab driver was a goddamn crook and we are just good drunk citizens.

*Quote “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane” for 15 minutes before passing out.