Archive | July, 2012

Still Single!

13 Jul

Recreated, for your enjoyment, is a real! life! exchange I had with a man on a Dating Web Site.

Man: Sext me

Me: Die in a fire.

Man: You’re a real jerk.



10 Jul

Okay. So. In the last long while, someone has Googled “Justin Valmassoi” and arrived at this, my little poorly tended plot of navel gazing. Three times. This is my fault, because I did mention a brief and shining moment in which a) I thought I was human and b) I thought I had human feelings for the personality known as Justin Valmassoi. 

That was a long time ago. 

Who is this person? Because I am bored and curious, I googled Justin Valmassoi and went through thirty pages of results. No Mittens, No Pie did not come up. I did find this, which was hilaaaaaarious. 

Somewhere in this world, there is a person willing to slog over through 30 pages of the Internet to find…well, me. And the time I mentioned him. 

Justin, if it’s you, I will donate $50 to your Move to Scotland fund if you stop. Bookmark the page, please.

Mrs. Valmassoi, if it’s you – well, congratulations, first of all. Also rest assured that your husband never loved me. 

To anyone else, you know that I loved him once, or I thought I did. You should also know that I never slept with him. That’s the most important part. 

The Internet really is forever, you guys. 

Conversations with the Little Sister

2 Jul

Me: We can bring booze to the beach in water bottles and make Lin (our mother) come pick us up!

Little Sister: …that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.