Archive | October, 2012

Ways In Which Working From Home Has Effed My Life

23 Oct

1. My already-suspect hygiene standards have taken a nose dive and I’m reduced to wearing nightgowns as dresses (with leggings!) and putting “Brush hair” on my daily to do list.

2. Everyone in the neighborhood pisses me of because they are “bothering me while I’m at work.”

3. I’ve started counting interactions with delivery personnel as “being social.”

4. Speaking of those poor bastards, a few of them have seen my butt because before I adopted my nightgowns with leggings wardrobe, I wore an ill fitting robe.

5. My middle couch cushion has a me-shaped imprint on it.

6. I’m keeping strange hours, because going to bed at 6:00 am and waking up at 11 am is fine since – Lord help us all – I’m in charge.

7. I’ve started commenting on online articles and, in some instances, have developed an intense dislike for people I’ve never met.

8. Sometimes, working in an office sounds nice.

9. I make elaborate breakfasts then fall back asleep directly after eating them.

10. My cats are my roommates and my coworkers.

Getting Pretty Nervous

21 Oct

My mother told me she found something of mine in her basement and she’s going to “surprise” me with it. I’m going through the whatcoulditbeohgodisitdrugswhatdidIleavethereohsweetJesus right now.

In Hiding

16 Oct

The Internet has really been scaring me lately. I can’t even be funny about it, you guys.  People are fucking terrifying these days – the things that they say and do under this flimsy veil of anonymity pretty much proves that things are not okay with humans. It’s hard enough to be a woman (and I’m a white woman in the first world – I have it REALLY GOOD, YOU GUYS) without mouth breathers from the Internet taking pictures, stalking, threatening rape and death. How did we get here? We have all the luxuries in the world we could want and we still aren’t happy. We still have to make each other miserable.


Sweet Nothings

7 Oct

You have good taste for raccoon photography.

I got a goddamn haircut fo’ that ass. 

One of my favorite qualities of yours is that you are creatively vulgar. 

Things You Should Know About Me

1 Oct

In the depths of my drinking days, I once left 2 hot dogs in the cat food bowl before I stumbled off to work. Because I was out of cat food and, apparently, any sense of shame.