21 Jan

ImageThis is me. I’m about to turn 30. I have no feelings about it other than my feelings about having no feelings.

My life does not look like I imagined it would when I was 20, but I was stupid when I was 20, and so that is a good thing.

I will most likely never have shiny hair or a really nice couch. Most times, I still feel like life is a joke that I just don’t get – but I’m still happy for some part of every single day.

I am a hardhearted woman and I do believe that the opposite of love is indifference. In my life, I have been happy to let bridges fall into disrepair rather than set them ablaze. I don’t know if that’s the right choice but I do know more and more the right thing is becoming a) clearer to me and b) easier to do.

I’ve lost the lust to be special and that’s a great relief. Crawling into bed with my fella after a few mimosas in the morning  or sitting in quiet, dark bar with a friend- these are moments when I think “This is it.” Like I’ve done something right because I’ve found myself in such good company. I am not sure I deserve those moments, but here they are and I will take them.

My heart has been broken since the day I was born but that’s more common that most of us even know. I have no idea what’s going to happen to me but I bet I will be poor again. My heart will heal and shatter a dozen more times. All that shit is going to happen whether I stay huddled in the house or not, so I’m going to fucking dance even though my feet hurt.

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