Archive | September, 2013

Things I Have Learned About My Former Upstairs Neighbors From My Current Upstairs Neighbor

29 Sep

1. They never vacuumed. Once. I know this because the new chickadee upstairs does vacuum and I can hear it. 

2. They never spoke. I know this because – you guessed it- the girl upstairs speaks and I can sometimes hear it 

3. They had a phantom dog. She, too, has a phantom dog. I CAN HEAR IT. 


Things You Should Know About Me

2 Sep

My parents once involved me in a quarrel about which parent favored which child. My mother accused my father of favoring the Older Sister and my father accused my mother of favoring the Younger Sister.

My name never came up. 

The Craigslist “Missed Connections” Ad I Wrote But Did Not Publish In Regards To the Cute Boy Around the Corner

1 Sep

Jed, this is the girl from around the corner. (I’ve decided to call you Jed until I learn your real name which is, I hope, Jed. ) Last week, I walked by your porch wearing an orange dress and I told you that I liked your shoes. You smiled and said thank you. I think you might be missing a tooth? My heart skipped a beat. You have a large beard.

I hoped to see you again and I even took a few optimistic walks around the block, but you must have been inside or volunteering at an animal shelter.

But then! This Thursday, I noticed you were outside. I don’t think it’s important how I noticed, Jed. The important part is, I freshened my face and dashed around the block. You were at the bus stop across the street but that didn’t stop our eyes from meeting. And you waved at me, Jed. You acknowledged me before I acknowledged you. I waved back, trying to look cool but also saying, “I love you” under my breath. 

And yesterday, you were in my building helping my neighbor upstairs move a couch. I think that’s extra neighborly of you and I’m confident you aren’t dating her because clearly we have something special between us, Jed. Don’t we? I’d hate to think you were dating her and for the last month, you’ve been up there listening to me sing and cry. That’s private and you ought not have waved if that was the case.

I took a stroll this evening and even though I didn’t get to see you, I got to hear what appeared to be a B-52s cover band in a nearby backyard. I went to that trashy liquor store up a few blocks and bought a pack of cigarettes I don’t want or need.

I think soon I’ll get to learn your real name.