Archive | May, 2016

It’s A Beautiful Day

14 May

The last time I had sex with Elijah, he choked me so hard  that I saw stars. I couldn’t tell him to stop and I probably wouldn’t have anyway. We were both drunk and had argued most of the evening. I tried to speak to him during a guitar solo at a bonfire. Big mistake. I was stupidly in love with him and I let him treat me like shit because that’s what he wanted to do. And ever the faithful woman, I wanted my man to do what he wanted.

I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night, though. My throat was tight and incredibly painful. I felt bruised on the inside though there were no marks on me.

The next morning, I sat naked on his couch and smoked a cigarette. I told him that I didn’t think we should see each other anymore. He shrugged and agreed, saying, “My memory of last night is very different from yours.” He didn’t apologize for scaring me or hurting me. It never occurred to him, like so many before and after, that he had anything to be sorry for. He told me that he didn’t love me and I would find someone better than him.

I don’t hate him. He was plainly a monster. I hate myself for allowing him in my life. So even now, he avoids consequences.

I want very little from the men in my life aside from the truth and a little discretion. Which, of course, I never get.

I have dated since Elijah, men that are more or less disappointing in equal measure. Maybe less aggressive in bed, maybe more. Still, though. They are all very busy. They don’t ask me questions about my life. They interpret my kindness as love. It is usually just human decency. It is never love. And who can say when it will be love? It’s hard to have a heart of any kind – broken, open, adventurous – when I don’t even feel like a human. I don’t feel like a real girl. I just feel like someone’s doll, his hands around my neck.