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On Sleeping Well

19 Oct

When I was in high school, I wrote a pretty insufferable short story (shocking, I know) about a man who becomes the muse for this wealthy and emotionally bankrupt female artist. In the first part of the story, I described the man by saying, “He slept well, as the unloved generally do.”

Ten years later, after giving my heart away in a small white church and all the awful and lovely things that came after that day, I know I was right about that. Life is much easier when you don’t care about anyone. You get to float through the days, and well – if you get sick or you don’t show up, oh well. Your heart isn’t tied to anyone, so it can’t sink. Nor does it sing.

I haven’t been sleeping super well lately, and I can’t help but be fucking terrified. I always told my ex-husband that one of two things would happen to us: we would get divorced, or we would die. And either way, it was going to hurt. A lot. Everything comes to an end, and eventually all that you love will be carried away. And for the last couple of years, I have used that as an excuse to stay locked in my apartment and in my mind. It’s been good enough, you know. Bills get paid and the cats get fed. I don’t know that I want more, or even deserve it. I have never dreamed for a moment that I would go the rest of my life without being hurt. I expect to be hurt. I also expect the pain to be worth it. So far, the loves of my pathetic life have been worth the trouble. I would take every blow again. I don’t know that I’m ready for more, but…I think it’s time to try.

Things I Have Learned From My Father

17 Oct

1. If a man refers to all other men as “boss” and all women as “miss,” then he has spent some time in the clinker.

2. No back pockets on your pants = weird-looking butt.

3. Everything is going to be okay.

4. Most physical ailments can be cured by a Coca Cola.

5. There are worse things than being poor.

6. A special occasion calls for pork.

7. If you’re really, truly in love, then distance means fuck all.

8. Never marry a Yankee. (I did, and look how that turned out.)

9. Give what you can, when you can.

10. Most food is better the next day.

Things You Should Know About Me

5 Oct

I once spent $300 on dead sea skincare products at a kiosk in Las Vegas because a) I was drunk and b) the kiosk man told me I looked old.

Also: I’m kind of obsessed with skincare and the little sister could always get me to drive her places / not tell on her if she told me I looked like Rose McGowan. Worked every single time. Well played, little sister.

Oh Really?

30 Sep

I’ve been trying to tell this story for a while – turns out all it took was a low grade fever and a few beers.


29 Sep

What is the name of the thing where a girl finally realizes that being swept away to Paris is not, in fact, the most romantic thing a man could do for you?

Things I Have Learned From My Mother

27 Sep

1. If you have the spins, put one foot on the floor.

2. A bad man can wear a suit and tie just as easily as a good man.

3. Marry a man with hair on his chest. (I didn’t, and look how that turned out.)

4. Get cremated. Eventually, if you are buried, you will be dug up and possibly featured on the cover of National Geographic.

5. Don’t let anyone but your father call you “sweetheart.”

6. If you try your hardest, it will make failing easier to bear.

7. If a man puts his hand in the small of your back on the first date, there will not be a second date.

8. Pecans should be facing up in a pie.

9. You have two families: the one you are born into, and the one you make.

10. There is no such thing as too late.


Things You Should Know About Me

7 Sep

My freshman year of college, I dressed up as an anti-social virgin for Halloween, by way of a t-shirt that said “anti-social virgin.” That’ll teach you to get snitty with me, roommate. I wish I still had that t-shirt.


You Deserve An Edible Arrangement

20 Aug

Today was hard, but not as hard as last year. Here’s to evolution.

Too Bad You Don’t Have Any Kids

8 Aug

Ever been on a date with a guy with fleas? I have!

Lesson No. 2

2 Aug

Avoid doing dishes by only eating food that acts as its own serving dish.