Archive | Things you should know about me RSS feed for this section

Things You Should Know About Me

16 Nov

My top lip is swollen (my lips swell when I am stressed out) (I know it’s weird) (No, I don’t know why) and today I look like a morose octopus with a tiny beak! 

Wrong Number

4 Nov

File this under “things that have happened to me that people don’t believe and then they say, this shit only happens to you and i’m all, I KNOW.”


Things I Have Learned From My Father

17 Oct

1. If a man refers to all other men as “boss” and all women as “miss,” then he has spent some time in the clinker.

2. No back pockets on your pants = weird-looking butt.

3. Everything is going to be okay.

4. Most physical ailments can be cured by a Coca Cola.

5. There are worse things than being poor.

6. A special occasion calls for pork.

7. If you’re really, truly in love, then distance means fuck all.

8. Never marry a Yankee. (I did, and look how that turned out.)

9. Give what you can, when you can.

10. Most food is better the next day.

Things You Should Know About Me

5 Oct

I once spent $300 on dead sea skincare products at a kiosk in Las Vegas because a) I was drunk and b) the kiosk man told me I looked old.

Also: I’m kind of obsessed with skincare and the little sister could always get me to drive her places / not tell on her if she told me I looked like Rose McGowan. Worked every single time. Well played, little sister.

Daily Mabel

20 Sep

The amount of time I have known you + how much I have been drinking = how likely I am to tell you what my cat is doing while we are on the telephone.


Things You Should Know About Me

16 Sep

Every time I hear the word “sorry,” this plays in my head.


I mean, it’s not that I dislike the word. Okay, that’s exactly it. Tell me to go fuck myself, tell me to dig a hole and die in it.

Things You Should Know About Me

7 Sep

My freshman year of college, I dressed up as an anti-social virgin for Halloween, by way of a t-shirt that said “anti-social virgin.” That’ll teach you to get snitty with me, roommate. I wish I still had that t-shirt.


These Kids Are Wimps

6 Sep

In honor of my favorite five-year-old starting kindergarten today, here is one of my favorite kindermemories. And for the record, I am still this bad ass. Also, holy shit Michigan accent.

Things You Should Know About Me

28 Aug

For most of my childhood I fervently believed that I had been abducted by aliens at least once, because I was always waking up with my pajamas on backwards or other weird shit. Then when I got older, I heard about night terrors and I was all, ohhhhhhhhh I see.

Once, I managed to wedge myself between my sister’s twin bed and the wall. Then I woke up and lost my shit, and my Dad had to come get me out.

Things You Should Know About Me

9 Aug

I compose imaginary letters to people I admire when I am bored slash stuck in traffic. Today: Gene Wilder.