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Sister Mary Big Butt

3 Aug

I grew up in a predominantly CatholicĀ  town, which affected my life inĀ  two ways:

1. Fish sticks on Friday in the cafeteria

2. Shaking hands with strangers at weddings and saying, “Peace be with you.”

There was a nun who played piano at most weddings and my mother, God love her, called her Sister Mary Horse Face. You can imagine what she looked like. Sort of…equine. Played piano like an angel, though.

That nickname inspired my sisters and me to play a game we called Sister Mary Big Butt. My older sister would put on a big black skirt we had in the dress up box, and me (plus the little sister) would get inside of it and be her giant ass. We la la loved that game, guys.

Things You Should Know About Me

1 Aug

I once purchased a $500 guitar for my (ex) husband as a Christmas gift from the cat.

Things You Should Know About Me

26 Jul

I wrote a sonnet about the fetal pig I had to dissect in Advanced Biology.


Bonus: I took Advanced Biology because there was no math involved. The teacher had previously suffered a nervous breakdown (actually, it happened the year my older sister had him as a teacher) due in large part to his son. His son legally changed his name to Genitalia and that pushed him over the edge, I guess.

And then I was like…

24 Jul

Behold! My awful speech pattern and a mildly funny story about being married.


Things You Should Know About Me

13 Jul

When I was 12, I wrote a very harrowing and dramatic short story about a redheaded young woman named Chloe who fell in love with an African man named Bala. This short story was largely inspired by Christopher Pike’s “Spellbound.”